Homo
by Momma-Ran
Summary: Stan confesses his love for Kyle but it doesn't happen at all like he thought it would.
1. Chapter 1

"What's wrong with you?!" I'm pushed away and collide with Kyle's wall. It hurts but my heart hurts more. I put myself out there and got rejected. "You fucking homo!" Before I fell in love with him I would have said the exact same thing if our positions had been reversed. I open my mouth to reply but don't say anything and I don't get back up.

Silently, dejectedly I watch Kyle pace back and forth in his room muttering 'fucking homo' under his breath.

I was so sure that he loves me the same as I love him. Guess I was wrong. I close my eyes. "You fucking homo! You ruined everything!" My eyes snap open. Hurt seems to have replaced nerves in my body because that's all I can feel. Slowly I make my way to the door, hands in my pockets.

"I'm sorry your life is over, Kyle." I say it with so much bitter venom and sorrow that he stops pacing. He doesn't say anything.

I close the door behind me as he says, "Stan…" Without looking back I leave his house and walk the streets of South Park. I was so sure…


	2. Chapter 2

I've fallen into a dark abyss that I can't seem to climb out of. The abyss is so deep I can't see if there is any light at the top. It makes me think that climbing out of it isn't even worth it.

We haven't spoken since I confessed to him. Maybe I shouldn't have been so bold and kissed him. He wouldn't have believed me otherwise, I don't think. Being the butt of many jokes via Cartman, Kyle has a distrust of others. Even me. Especially me.

Quietly I sigh as tears threaten to come. This is worse than playing the boyfriend-girlfriend game with Wendy. Being off and on again with her must have made me stop loving her. My love turned to Kyle, someone who always has my back and is always with me and always makes me feel good.

At least he used to. Before I fucked everything up. At least he knows; I wouldn't have been able to stand it if I didn't know how he feels. Eventually I know I would have broken down. "Oh, Kyle."

Missing him is physically painful. Once I heard that loneliness is located in the part of the brain that feels pain; now I can confirm that this is true. I miss Kyle so much that sometimes it makes me sick; sometimes I miss him so much I want to tear my heart out to stop the pain.

"Goddamnit Kyle." I whisper as I curl my fingers in the material of my shirt over my heart. "God fucking damn it all why do I have to fucking feel this way?" A tear I can't hold back falls, but only a single tear. It rolls down my hot cheek, leaving a wet trail in its wake then lands on the sheet of my bed and is absorbed.


	3. Chapter 3

My mom thinks I'm sick. She always checks my temperature and I always have a fever. Maybe I am. Is it possible to feel so hurt that you actually get sick? I guess there's a reason for terms like _heart break_ and _lovesick. _

Its my second week of school that I'm missing but I can't bring myself to care. Kenny and Butters stop by to bring me missing work. Even Cartman came over once. The one I want to see hasn't come. He hasn't even sent me a message or called me.

How can I have fucked up so badly? So terribly that he doesn't even want to see me anymore? That he doesn't want to hear my voice? Or even know that I'm ok?

I asked Kenny if Kyle asked about me. He said no, Kyle hasn't seemed to even notice I'm gone. My heart hurt so badly that I actually groaned from the pain and Kenny called my mom up to take care of me. They were both really worried. After that I stopped asking about Kyle.


	4. Chapter 4

_Kyle slips into my room in the dead of night. He's quieter than a ghost as he climbs in through the window and onto my bed. "Kyle?" I ask hesitantly. Why is he here? He smiles as he pulls his snowy boots off and sets them on the floor. Snow powders his hat and shoulders. The hat and jacket follow the boots onto the floor. "What are you doing?" I hiss, staring nervously at my door for any sign of my family having heard. _

_Kyle's expression is serious as he sits on the edge of my bed. He rubs his hands down his face as though agonized. I wait for an answer, my heart racing frantically in my chest. It feels like its going to explode from so much excitement. "I'm sorry." _

_I blink. "What?" Did he just say that? What does that mean? Slowly I feel myself get angry. I've been here for two weeks suffering because of him and all he has to say for himself is that he's sorry?!_

_He looks at me, green eyes staring into my blue ones. "I am sorry." Kyle repeats. "I didn't mean to be such an asshole. I'm sorry Stan. You," he gives a nervous laugh. "Well, you kind of surprised me. A lot." Kyle looks a little hysterical and a lot nervous. _

_He's waiting for something, a reaction from me. I don't give him the satisfaction. My eyes drop to my hands fiddling with the blanket. I'm so angry, and still so hurt. The bed sags a bit as Kyle shifts. When I look up I see that he's closer to me, his face in front of mine. "Stan…Can I make it up to you?" _

_I stop breathing. He's close enough to kiss, if I wanted to. Which I don't. I want nothing to do with Kyle if he wants nothing to do with me. "I hurt so much." The words slip from my mouth. _

_Green eyes take on a pained look that I'm sure is mirrored in my own eyes. "I can't pretend to know how much. I only know how much I've been hurting because this tore us apart. Will you forgive me for making such a huge mistake?" Before I can answer he closes the distance between us. _

_Kyle's lips are cold but I welcome them, lend them some of my heat. The chaste kiss soon turns into something driven by lust and we're kissing furiously, frantically. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him down with me. Kyle swings a leg over my waist and straddles me. _

_My tongue laps at his lips until he opens his mouth granting my access to the cavern within. I waste no time in exploring, tasting him. His tongue isn't idle, and circles mine, rubbing against it vigorously. We break apart for air and he against my lips whispers, "I love you, Stan."_

I scream and jolt upright. My heart is beating against my ribs in an uneven tempo and tears are flowing freely. My whole body is shaking, especially my hands. "Oh Jesus!" I sob.

It takes a few minutes to settle down enough to realize that I'm not alone in my room. Kenny is staring at me with concerned blue eyes. Even though I haven't told him what happens he seems to know. "Dude, you need to get out of the house." his voice is muffled but I still understand what he's saying.

Slowly I nod and throw back the covers. Its been a while since I've gone out. Maybe a walk will do me good. As long as I don't see Kyle. Without paying any attention to Kenny I strip of my pajamas and put on my normal clothes.

By the time we're ready to go I look decent enough to go outside, but my hands haven't stopped shaking. "Ready?" I nod. Kenny opens the front door.


	5. Chapter 5

Kenny and I walk to Starks Pond. He doesn't speak and for that I'm grateful. Its been a while since I have left the house and the snowy landscape seems more forbidding than my dark room.

As we near the pond I see two blond figures; Tweek and Butters maybe? The closer we get the more curious I become. They are sitting really close and the one doesn't look like anyone I have ever seen. His crazy curly blond hair reminds me of Kyle's crazy curly red hair. But this boy is too old to be Kyle.

We pass by them and I gap. They're making out! "Butters?!" The smaller's name slips out with a shocked tone. Butters is making out with a guy in public. I feel a tiny bit jealous that he can make out with the person he wants to.

They break apart and Butters smiles at me. "Hiya Stan. Its been a while since I've seen you outside." He doesn't seem worried about the fact that he just got caught. "This is Bradley, my Acountibilibuddy."

Bradley looks completely freaked out. He leaps away, staring at them with wide brown eyes. "And you must not lie down with another male the same as you lie down with a woman, Leviticus, Scripture 18:22." the boy mutters. He chews on a thumb and looks at the ground.

"Aw, Bradley don't start that again. We lie down together all the time." Butters frowns at the older boy. He looks like he could be a year or two older than us. I raise an eyebrow at the two of them; this is unbelievable.

Bradley looks like he's going to faint and I can't help but feel a little bad for him. Despite making out with Butters, Bradley clearly isn't ok with his sexuality. "I'm going to go to Hell for this!"

Butters stands up, his hands on his hips and a determined look in his aquamarine eyes. "Now you look here, mister, I'm your Acountibilibuddy and I'm not going to let you go to Hell. God doesn't care if we smooch or lie down together; he must be a little bi-curious too if we're made in his image."

This doesn't seem to soothe Bradley as much as Butters seems to want but it sure gives me something to think about. What if I told Kyle that? Of course he probably isn't at all interested in me, which is why he reacted the way he did. Or maybe I really did just take him by surprise.

Kenny tugs me away from the scene, probably because I'm staring. "New kid who came here from some Christian pray away the gay camp." he explains. I hear him snicker from inside his hood. "They've been all over each other since he moved here. Fatass isn't too happy about it."

Mutely I nod. Seeing them just reminds me of how much I want Kyle and I to work. We probably won't. Our friendship is apparently completely ruined because of me. Why do I have to love my best friend?

Kenny and I walk deeper into the wooded mountains. I don't think we have a destination in mind, we're just walking. This is fine with me, I don't want to go anywhere I might run into Kyle.


	6. Chapter 6

"There's something you need to know about Kyle." Kenny's voice, although muffled, sounds hesitant. I raise an eyebrow at him. No one has told me anything about Kyle since I stopped asking, not even in passing. It's like he doesn't exist; I wonder if it's the same to him with me. Do I no longer exist to Kyle?

"What?" I ask irritably. I'm his best friend! I should know everything about Kyle! No, I do know everything about Kyle. But I humor Kenny.

He takes a deep breath then says, "Kyle has been making out with a lot of girls," My jaw drops. He's been what?! I tell him I love him and want him and he goes and makes out with girls?! "to prove to himself that he's straight." Kenny finishes.

I'm about to get angry when I hear that but then it sinks in. Kyle is making out with them to prove that he's straight. So he wants to be straight; is he not already? "Why are you telling me that?"

"I just want you to know that this isn't easy on him either. You aren't the only one who lost a best friend because of your confession." Kenny answers. He glances at me but I can't read his expression. "I don't want you to get your hopes up, Stan. I just want you to know what's going on so that when you finally talk to him you won't be so in the dark."

I frown and furrow my brow. What does Kenny mean when I finally talk to him? He doesn't really expect us to speak again, does he? I ruined our friendship; we have nothing now.

Kenny stops me. He puts both hands on my shoulders and looks me in the eye. I stare back at him simply to satisfy him and for no other reason. "Come back to school, dude." Well, when he says it like that what choice do I have? Besides, as much as I love Kyle I'm getting kind of bored of laying around in bed all day. Slowly I nod. As soon as I agree anxiety kicks in.


	7. Chapter 7

Being back in school really makes me, well, uncomfortable. Everyone is either openly staring at me or whispering behind my back. My hands begin to shake again like before Kenny picked me up. If I didn't have black hair and blue eyes I could be mistaken for Tweek, I'm so twitchy.

Kenny leads me through the halls to our homeroom. Kyle should be in that room. I plant my feet as firmly on the tile as I can but Kenny drags me along. Why oh why did I agree to come to school again?! My friend looks at me and says flatly, "He isn't here at the moment." His voice implies that Kyle is doing something Kenny doesn't approve of, which is shocking because Kenny pretty much approves of everything.

I nod because I don't know what else to do. I'm so nervous I think I'm going to be sick and by second hour I have to excuse myself from class. I take refuge in the bathroom; sitting on the toilet with my legs drawn up to my chest. What if Kyle hates me? What if he completely ignores me? What if I throw up on him? What if -

My thoughts are cut off by the sound of the bathroom door opening. "Fuck off Christophe." At the achingly familiar voice my heart skips a few beats. I know that voice; I know it so well.

"I do nut understand what ze problem ez, mon speetfaire." Christophe growls in his gravely voice. I hear them walk directly in front of my stall and hold my breath. Christophe probably already knows I'm here. "You do nut like ze Marsh boy so why nut date moi?"

My heart almost stops. I shift slightly so that I can see them in the silence that follows. Kyle is leaning against the sink and Christophe is in front of him. Why are they in the bathroom together? Its still second hour...

When Christophe leans over and kisses Kyle my heart does stop. And when Kyle doesn't immediately push him away I feel tears welling up. How could Kyle make out with someone like Christophe? "We shouldn't be doing this in the bathroom."

That's all Kyle has to say?! Nothing about getting the fuck away from him? Not calling Christophe a fucking homo? I want to reveal my presence. Instead I settle for curling up in a tiny ball. "Why? No one ez en 'ere."

I am. I'm fucking in here.

"Because I don't want to miss anymore class today." Comes Kyle's answer. He looks mildly pissed off.

I can't see Christophe's expression but from his tone I know he's upset. "You will zell me wen you skip classes, oui?" Kyle gives a defeated sigh that Christophe takes as a yes. This time the kiss is just a quick peck on the lips.

I think I'm going to die. They both leave and let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. Oh fuck this sucks so bad.


	8. Chapter 8

Kenny takes one look at me and I can see those blue eyes of his reading me. It makes me a little uncomfortable but he's really the only one I feel like I can open up to. "I take it you saw him?" Kenny asks.

I nod. A disgusted expression crosses his face. "Who was he with this time?"

"Christophe." I choke out. Kenny pats my arm. It doesn't make me feel any better. "Why is he doing this?"

"To prove to himself he isn't gay for his best friend." Comes Kenny's quick reply. It seems that Kenny has been thinking about this for a while.

A thought occurs to me. "Has he s-sl..." There's no way I can get that out. I don't want to vocalize it. Something about saying it makes it seem that much more possible.

A half shrug comes from Kenny. "I don't think so." I stare at him. The blonde looks really uncomfortable. "I really don't know, Stan. If he is sleeping with them then he's making them be quiet about it." Because Kenny is talking to me, I realize. And Kyle doesn't want me to know.


	9. Chapter 9

"Stan?" The unexpected voice makes me jump. I whip around, stare at the redhead standing in front of me. Its strange that I have to look up to him. We haven't spoken in months.

I don't say anything. For the first few months I thought of what I would say to him that would magically make Kyle change his mind about me. In all of my fantasies we ended up happily ever after. Eventually when the fantasy didn't come true I just gave up on it. All of those carefully planned out speeches have faded from my memory.

Kyle's hands are shoved deep into the pockets of his hoodie. "Can I, uh, talk to you, dude?" Kyle's green eyes are uncertain, his stance speaks of nervousness.

I keep waiting for the pain of seeing him to kick in. When it doesn't come I just shrug. We stand there in awkward silence in front of my locker.

"I've been thinking-"

"You mean whoring around?" I cut in, surprised that my voice isn't still full of venom.

Kyle has the decency to look ashamed. "I love you."

Without hesitation I reply, "No you don't." Six months ago I would have given anything to hear those words. Now I just don't care. Kyle's been making out with everyone but me and he suddenly decides that he likes me? That just isn't how it works.

He looks surprised. Then angry. "What the fuck, dude? I'm trying to apologize and confess my feelings for you and you don't even care?"

I smile. "You don't get to say what the fuck dude to me. You didn't care when I confessed my feelings for you."

Kyle frowns. He opens his mouth to say something but I cut him off again. "I have things to do, man. See you around." Then I leave. Just walk away. As I'm walking home I notice that I still don't feel anything. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.


	10. Chapter 10

Kyle never made it home from school. His little brother Ike texted me to tell me that my ex best friend is in the hospital. A group of hobos mugged him. The doctors say its touch and go.

My heart throbbed painfully when I heard the news. I stood there for a few moments in shock before racing out of my house to the hospital. Kyle's room is on the bottom floor so I sneak in through the window rather than go past the nurses station.

The redhead is lying unconscious in a paper gown. His face has fresh stitches in it. I can't help but think of the last time Kyle had stitches in his face; stitches that left ugly scars on and around his mouth. Despite being a ginger, Kyle looks paler than normal. He's hooked up to a lot of machines. There is probably more injury where I can't see it.

I drag the chair to the edge of his bed. His hand is warm in mine. I take the warmth as a good sign. This would probably be the time to say something profound but I can't think of a damn thing to say. So we sit with silence between us.

You know how they say tragedy is what brings people together? That was just about the only thing that would...wake me up. Yet I still have my doubts. Do I really want to be with someone like Kyle? God, everything is so confusing.

I stay until Mrs. Broflovski comes in. She tells me that visiting hours are over. And she thanks me for being such a good friend to Kyle. Even though I haven't done anything wrong I don't feel like a very good friend.

Two days later the doctors announce that Kyle is in a coma. They don't know when he will wake up. Every day after school I visit him. I don't talk to him but I hold his hand. I still don't know what to say.


End file.
